From Mom to Matriarch
A couple of weeks ago at my birthday celebration dinner with my husband, sons, daughter-in-law, nephews and niece, my husband toasted me as the “matriarch” of our family. Sheepishly, I looked around as if he may have been toasting someone else. Are you talking to me?? Me, a matriarch??!! A little old fashioned, don’t you think?? On one hand I felt honored by this new label. On the other hand, I felt rather unsettled. The word “matriarch” carries with it a lot of weight…it commands a sense of responsibility. A level of commitment. An expected wisdom and ability to advise a diverse range of family members on different matters. And certainly, the need to be steady and stable through all circumstances.
A few days later, as my feelings about this new moniker were still stuck in my craw, I looked up the definition of the word…"an older woman who is powerful within a family or organization.” And the synonyms were no more comforting…matron, (Yikes!), grande dame, (Ouch!) dowager, (Seriously??)! All conjuring up images in my mind of old ladies in long dresses with pearl necklaces and big hats.
This confirmed my suspicion of the visceral discomfort I experienced during the toast. I could handle the “powerful” part, (it fed my ego and made me smile) but it was the “older” description that I’d been grappling with internally.
When I think about women who are matriarchs, real and fictionalized, those who come to mind are the following…Maggie Smith as the Dowager Countess in Downton Abbey…while I absolutely love her character…her sassiness and irreverence (“I do think a woman’s place is eventually in the home, but I see no harm in her having some fun before she gets there”)…I didn't see myself in her in any way, per the reference above of pearl necklaces and big hats! (I’m not into jewelry or hats of any size).
Do you remember Barbara Stanwyck as Victoria Barkley in The Big Valley? Maybe I could identify with her as she confidently oversaw a big ranch and three kids. But her tightly curled, grayish-white hairdo made me cringe. (Although, I do admire Miss Stanwyck’s thoughts on playing the matriarch in the series and refusing to make her a fragile character. She had said in an interview about Victoria, “She’s an old broad who combines elegance and guts).”
And then there’s Queen Elizabeth herself. The ultimate matriarch to the firm and the family. But do I see any similarities?
Certainly, I don’t carry my “purse” with me everywhere I go; nor do my handbags match my outfits. And there’s that tight white hairdo again. And the hats and pearls. And of course, she’s 95. (Last time I checked, I had a few decades to catch up to her!).
However, in continuing to research the meaning of “matriarch,” I came across an article on line by Jamie Metz, a coach and writer, that made me reconsider my concerns. Made me feel a bit better. In her article entitled "What is a Matriarch?” she describes a matriarch as a “woman from any walk of life who has gained wisdom and intuition from living and uses it to bring value to the world. Her gifts can be used to serve any group she chooses, nieces and nephews, formal and informal organizations, friends, or an entire community.” She goes on to say that “the matriarch’s wisdom comes from her expertise in life…she is a woman who has earned influence with the people in her sphere from her strengths, commitment and ability to love with wisdom and without condition.”
She says nothing about age, nothing about hairstyles, nothing about pearls. So maybe, despite all the differences, there are some similarities with me and the women above. Intangibles that lie beneath the surface. I do use my experience and expertise to mentor young women. (Love doing this). I do use my intuition and earned influence to advise family members and a few friends.(I've been known to do this too). And at times I do even have a sense of sassiness. (At least I think I do!) And I hope that someday, someone will say that I had a combination of elegance and guts. (The ultimate compliment).
So, I think I’m okay, proud actually, to take on the title. Maybe I’ll just add a word here or there to soften the blow… i.e. modern matriarch? majestic matriarch? matriarch in motion? not-your-mother’s matriarch? I’ve got it…Matriarch Myers. Simple. To the point. And it's who I am.
